第1章

Contents：

TheToysofPeaceLouiseTeaTheDisappearanceofCrispinaUmberleighTheWolvesofCernogratzLouisTheGuestsThePenanceThePhantomLuncheonABreadandButterMissBertie\'sChristmasEveForewarnedTheInterlopersQuailSeedCanossaTheThreatExceptingMrs。PentherbyMarkTheHedgehogTheMappinedLifeFateTheBullMorlveraShockTacticsTheSevenCreamJugsTheOccasionalGardenTheSheepTheOversightHyacinthTheImageoftheLostSoulThePurpleoftheBalkanKingsTheCupboardoftheYesterdaysFortheDurationoftheWarTHETOYSOFPEACE

\"Harvey，\"saidEleanorBope，handingherbrotheracuttingfromaLondonmorningpaperofthe19thofMarch，\"justreadthisaboutchildren\'stoys，please；itexactlycarriesoutsomeofourideasaboutinfluenceandupbringing。\"

\"IntheviewoftheNationalPeaceCouncil，\"rantheextract，\"therearegraveobjectionstopresentingourboyswithregimentsoffightingmen，batteriesofguns，andsquadronsof\'Dreadnoughts。\'

Boys，theCounciladmits，naturallylovefightingandallthepanoplyofwar……butthatisnoreasonforencouraging，andperhapsgivingpermanentformto，theirprimitiveinstincts。AttheChildren\'sWelfareExhibition，whichopensatOlympiainthreeweeks\'time，thePeaceCouncilwillmakeanalternativesuggestiontoparentsintheshapeofanexhibitionof\'peacetoys。\'Infrontofaspecially-paintedrepresentationofthePeacePalaceatTheHaguewillbegrouped，notminiaturesoldiersbutminiaturecivilians，notgunsbutploughsandthetoolsofindustry……Itishopedthatmanufacturersmaytakeahintfromtheexhibit，whichwillbearfruitinthetoyshops。\"

\"Theideaiscertainlyaninterestingandverywell-meaningone，\"

saidHarvey；\"whetheritwouldsucceedwellinpractice——\"

\"Wemusttry，\"interruptedhissister；\"youarecomingdowntousatEaster，andyoualwaysbringtheboyssometoys，sothatwillbeanexcellentopportunityforyoutoinauguratethenewexperiment。Goaboutintheshopsandbuyanylittletoysandmodelsthathavespecialbearingoncivilianlifeinitsmorepeacefulaspects。Ofcourseyoumustexplainthetoystothechildrenandinteresttheminthenewidea。Iregrettosaythatthe\'SiegeofAdrianople\'

toy，thattheirAuntSusansentthem，didn\'tneedanyexplanation；

theyknewalltheuniformsandflags，andeventhenamesoftherespectivecommanders，andwhenIheardthemonedayusingwhatseemedtobethemostobjectionablelanguagetheysaiditwasBulgarianwordsofcommand；ofcourseitMAYhavebeen，butatanyrateItookthetoyawayfromthem。NowIshallexpectyourEastergiftstogivequiteanewimpulseanddirectiontothechildren\'sminds；Ericisnotelevenyet，andBertieisonlynine-and-a-half，sotheyarereallyatamostimpressionableage。\"

\"Thereisprimitiveinstincttobetakenintoconsideration，youknow，\"saidHenrydoubtfully，\"andhereditarytendenciesaswell。

Oneoftheirgreat-unclesfoughtinthemostintolerantfashionatInkerman——hewasspeciallymentionedindispatches，Ibelieve——andtheirgreat-grandfathersmashedallhisWhigneighbours\'hothouseswhenthegreatReformBillwaspassed。Still，asyousay，theyareatanimpressionableage。Iwilldomybest。\"

OnEasterSaturdayHarveyBopeunpackedalarge，promising-lookingredcardboardboxundertheexpectanteyesofhisnephews。\"Yourunclehasbroughtyouthenewestthingintoys，\"Eleanorhadsaidimpressively，andyouthfulanticipationhadbeenanxiouslydividedbetweenAlbaniansoldieryandaSomalicamel-corps。Ericwashotlyinfavourofthelattercontingency。\"TherewouldbeArabsonhorseback，\"hewhispered；\"theAlbanianshavegotjollyuniforms，andtheyfightalldaylong，andallnight，too，whenthere\'samoon，butthecountry\'srocky，sothey\'vegotnocavalry。\"

Aquantityofcrinklypapershavingswasthefirstthingthatmettheviewwhenthelidwasremoved；themostexitingtoysalwaysbeganlikethat。Harveypushedbackthetoplayeranddrewforthasquare，ratherfeaturelessbuilding。

\"It\'safort！\"exclaimedBertie。

\"Itisn\'t，it\'sthepalaceoftheMpretofAlbania，\"saidEric，immenselyproudofhisknowledgeoftheexotictitle；\"it\'sgotnowindows，yousee，sothatpassers-bycan\'tfireinattheRoyalFamily。\"

\"It\'samunicipaldust-bin，\"saidHarveyhurriedly；\"youseealltherefuseandlitterofatowniscollectedthere，insteadoflyingaboutandinjuringthehealthofthecitizens。\"

Inanawfulsilencehedisinterredalittleleadfigureofamaninblackclothes。

\"That，\"hesaid，\"isadistinguishedcivilian，JohnStuartMill。Hewasanauthorityonpoliticaleconomy。\"

\"Why？\"askedBertie。

\"Well，hewantedtobe；hethoughtitwasausefulthingtobe。\"

Bertiegaveanexpressivegrunt，whichconveyedhisopinionthattherewasnoaccountingfortastes。

Anothersquarebuildingcameout，thistimewithwindowsandchimneys。

\"AmodeloftheManchesterbranchoftheYoungWomen\'sChristianAssociation，\"saidHarvey。

\"Arethereanylions？\"askedErichopefully。HehadbeenreadingRomanhistoryandthoughtthatwhereyoufoundChristiansyoumightreasonablyexpecttofindafewlions。

\"Therearenolions，\"saidHarvey。\"Hereisanothercivilian，RobertRaikes，thefounderofSundayschools，andhereisamodelofamunicipalwash-house。Theselittleroundthingsareloavesbackedinasanitarybakehouse。Thatleadfigureisasanitaryinspector，thisoneisadistrictcouncillor，andthisoneisanofficialoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。\"

\"Whatdoeshedo？\"askedEricwearily。

\"HeseestothingsconnectedwithhisDepartment，\"saidHarvey。

\"Thisboxwithaslitinitisaballot-box。Votesareputintoitatelectiontimes。\"

\"Whatisputintoitatothertimes？\"askedBertie。

\"Nothing。Andherearesometoolsofindustry，awheelbarrowandahoe，andIthinkthesearemeantforhop-poles。Thisisamodelbeehive，andthatisaventilator，forventilatingsewers。Thisseemstobeanothermunicipaldust-bin——no，itisamodelofaschoolofartandpubliclibrary。ThislittleleadfigureisMrs。

Hemans，apoetess，andthisisRowlandHill，whointroducedthesystemofpennypostage。ThisisSirJohnHerschel，theeminentastrologer。\"

\"Arewetoplaywiththesecivilianfigures？\"askedEric。

\"Ofcourse，\"saidHarvey，\"thesearetoys；theyaremeanttobeplayedwith。\"

\"Buthow？\"

Itwasratheraposer。\"YoumightmaketwoofthemcontestaseatinParliament，\"saidHarvey，\"anhaveanelection——\"

\"Withrotteneggs，andfreefights，andeversomanybrokenheads！\"

exclaimedEric。

\"Andnosesallbleedingandeverybodydrunkascanbe，\"echoedBertie，whohadcarefullystudiedoneofHogarth\'spictures。

\"Nothingofthekind，\"saidHarvey，\"nothingintheleastlikethat。

Voteswillbeputintheballot-box，andtheMayorwillcountthem——

andhewillsaywhichhasreceivedthemostvotes，andthenthetwocandidateswillthankhimforpresiding，andeachwillsaythatthecontesthasbeenconductedthroughoutinthepleasantestandmoststraightforwardfashion，andtheypartwithexpressionsofmutualesteem。There\'sajollygameforyouboystoplay。IneverhadsuchtoyswhenIwasyoung。\"

\"Idon\'tthinkwe\'llplaywiththemjustnow，\"saidEric，withanentireabsenceoftheenthusiasmthathisunclehadshown；\"Ithinkperhapsweoughttodoalittleofourholidaytask。It\'shistorythistime；we\'vegottolearnupsomethingabouttheBourbonperiodinFrance。\"

\"TheBourbonperiod，\"saidHarvey，withsomedisapprovalinhisvoice。

\"We\'vegottoknowsomethingaboutLouistheFourteenth，\"continuedEric；\"I\'velearntthenamesofalltheprincipalbattlesalready。\"

Thiswouldneverdo。\"Therewere，ofcourse，somebattlesfoughtduringhisreign，\"saidHarvey，\"butIfancytheaccountsofthemweremuchexaggerated；newswasveryunreliableinthosedays，andtherewerepracticallynowarcorrespondents，sogeneralsandcommanderscouldmagnifyeverylittleskirmishtheyengagedintilltheyreachedtheproportionsofdecisivebattles。Louiswasreallyfamous，now，asalandscapegardener；thewayhelaidoutVersailleswassomuchadmiredthatitwascopiedalloverEurope。\"

\"DoyouknowanythingaboutMadameDuBarry？\"askedEric；\"didn\'tshehaveherheadchoppedoff？\"

\"Shewasanothergreatloverofgardening，\"saidHarvey，evasively；

\"infact，IbelievethewellknownroseDuBarrywasnamedafterher，andnowIthinkyouhadbetterplayforalittleandleaveyourlessonstilllater。\"

Harveyretreatedtothelibraryandspentsomethirtyorfortyminutesinwonderingwhetheritwouldbepossibletocompileahistory，foruseinelementaryschools，inwhichthereshouldbenoprominentmentionofbattles，massacres，murderousintrigues，andviolentdeaths。TheYorkandLancasterperiodandtheNapoleonicerawould，headmittedtohimself，presentconsiderabledifficulties，andtheThirtyYears\'Warwouldentailsomethingofagapifyouleftitoutaltogether。Still，itwouldbesomethinggainedif，atahighlyimpressionableage，childrencouldbegottofixtheirattentionontheinventionofcalicoprintinginsteadoftheSpanishArmadaortheBattleofWaterloo。

Itwastime，hethought，togobacktotheboys\'room，andseehowtheyweregettingonwiththeirpeacetoys。AshestoodoutsidethedoorhecouldhearEric\'svoiceraisedincommand；Bertiechimedinnowandagainwithahelpfulsuggestion。

\"ThatisLouistheFourteenth，\"Ericwassaying，\"thatoneinknee-

breeches，thatUnclesaidinventedSundayschools。Itisn\'tabitlikehim，butit\'llhavetodo。\"

\"We\'llgivehimapurplecoatfrommypaintboxbyandby，\"saidBertie。

\"Yes，an\'redheels。ThatisMadamedeMaintenon，thatonehecalledMrs。Hemans。ShebegsLouisnottogoonthisexpedition，butheturnsadeafear。HetakesMarshalSaxewithhim，andwemustpretendthattheyhavethousandsofmenwiththem。ThewatchwordisQuivive？andtheanswerisL\'etatc\'estmoi——thatwasoneofhisfavouriteremarks，youknow。TheylandatManchesterinthedeadofthenight，andaJacobiteconspiratorgivesthemthekeysofthefortress。\"

PeepinginthroughthedoorwayHarveyobservedthatthemunicipaldustbinhadbeenpiercedwithholestoaccommodatethemuzzlesofimaginarycannon，andnowrepresentedtheprincipalfortifiedpositioninManchester；JohnStuartMillhadbeendippedinredink，andapparentlystoodforMarshalSaxe。

\"LouisordershistroopstosurroundtheYoungWomen\'sChristianAssociationandseizethelotofthem。\'OncebackattheLouvreandthegirlsaremine，\'heexclaims。WemustuseMrs。Hemansagainforoneofthegirls；shesays\'Never，\'andstabsMarshalSaxetotheheart。\"

\"Hebleedsdreadfully，\"exclaimedBertie，splashingredinkliberallyoverthefacadeoftheAssociationbuilding。

\"Thesoldiersrushinandavengehisdeathwiththeutmostsavagery。

Ahundredgirlsarekilled\"——hereBertieemptiedtheremainderoftheredinkoverthedevotedbuilding——\"andthesurvivingfivehundredaredraggedofftotheFrenchships。\'IhavelostaMarshal，\'saysLouis，\'butIdonotgobackempty-handed。\'\"

Harveystoleawayfromtheroom，andsoughtouthissister。

\"Eleanor，\"hesaid，\"theexperiment——\"

\"Yes？\"

\"Hasfailed。Wehavebeguntoolate。\"

LOUISE

\"Theteawillbequitecold，you\'dbetterringforsomemore，\"saidtheDowagerLadyBeanford。

SusanLadyBeanfordwasavigorousoldwomanwhohadcoquettedwithimaginaryill-healthforthegreaterpartofalifetime；ClovisSangrailirreverentlydeclaredthatshehadcaughtachillattheCoronationofQueenVictoriaandhadneverletitgoagain。Hersister，JaneThropplestance，whowassomeyearsherjunior，waschieflyremarkableforbeingthemostabsent-mindedwomaninMiddlesex。

\"I\'vereallybeenunusuallycleverthisafternoon，\"sheremarkedgaily，assherangforthetea。\"I\'vecalledonallthepeopleI

meanttocallon；andI\'vedonealltheshoppingthatIsetouttodo。IevenrememberedtotryandmatchthatsilkforyouatHarrod\'s，butI\'dforgottentobringthepatternwithme，soitwasnouse。IreallythinkthatwastheonlyimportantthingIforgotduringthewholeafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme，isn\'tit？\"

\"WhathaveyoudonewithLouise？\"askedhersister。\"Didn\'tyoutakeheroutwithyou？Yousaidyouweregoingto。\"

\"Goodgracious，\"exclaimedJane，\"whathaveIdonewithLouise？I

musthavelefthersomewhere。\"

\"Butwhere？\"

\"That\'sjustit。WherehaveIlefther？Ican\'trememberiftheCarrywoodswereathomeorifIjustleftcards。IftherewereathomeImayhaveleftLouisetheretoplaybridge。I\'llgoandtelephonetoLordCarrywoodandfindout。\"

\"Isthatyou，LordCarrywood？\"shequeriedoverthetelephone；\"it\'sme，JaneThropplestance。Iwanttoknow，haveyouseenLouise？\"

\"\'Louise，\'\"cametheanswer，\"it\'sbeenmyfatetoseeitthreetimes。Atfirst，Imustadmit，Iwasn\'timpressedbyit，butthemusicgrowsononeafterabit。Still，Idon\'tthinkIwanttoseeitagainjustatpresent。Wereyougoingtooffermeaseatinyourbox？\"

\"Nottheopera\'Louise\'——myniece，LouiseThropplestance。IthoughtImighthaveleftheratyourhouse。\"

\"Youleftcardsonusthisafternoon，Iunderstand，butIdon\'tthinkyouleftaniece。Thefootmanwouldhavebeensuretohavementioneditifyouhad。Isitgoingtobeafashiontoleaveniecesonpeopleaswellascards？Ihopenot；someofthesehousesinBerkeley-squarehavepracticallynoaccommodationforthatsortofthing。\"

\"She\'snotattheCarrywoods\'，\"announcedJane，returningtohertea；\"nowIcometothinkofit，perhapsIleftheratthesilkcounteratSelfridge\'s。ImayhavetoldhertowaitthereamomentwhileIwenttolookatthesilksinabetterlight，andImayeasilyhaveforgottenaboutherwhenIfoundIhadn\'tyourpatternwithme。Inthatcaseshe\'sstillsittingthere。Shewouldn\'tmoveunlessshewastoldto；Louisehasnoinitiative。\"

\"YousaidyoutriedtomatchthesilkatHarrod\'s，\"interjectedthedowager。

\"DidI？PerhapsitwasHarrod\'s。Ireallydon\'tremember。Itwasoneofthoseplaceswhereeveryoneissokindandsympatheticanddevotedthatonealmosthatestotakeevenareelofcottonawayfromsuchpleasantsurroundings。\"

\"IthinkyoumighthavetakenLouiseaway。Idon\'tliketheideaofherbeingthereamongalotofstrangers。Supposingsomeunprincipledpersonwastogetintoconversationwithher。\"

\"Impossible。Louisehasnoconversation。I\'veneverdiscoveredasingletopiconwhichshe\'danythingtosaybeyond\'Doyouthinkso？

Idaresayyou\'reright。\'IreallythoughtherreticenceaboutthefalloftheRibotMinistrywasridiculous，consideringhowmuchherdearmotherusedtovisitParis。Thisbreadandbutteriscutfartoothin；itcrumblesawaylongbeforeyoucangetittoyourmouth。

Onefeelssoabsurd，snappingatone\'sfoodinmid-air，likeatroutleapingatmay-fly。\"

\"Iamrathersurprised，\"saidthedowager，\"thatyoucansittheremakingaheartyteawhenyou\'vejustlostafavouriteniece。\"

\"YoutalkasifI\'dlostherinachurchyardsense，insteadofhavingtemporarilymislaidher。I\'msuretorememberpresentlywhereIlefther。\"

\"Youdidn\'tvisitanyplaceofdevotion，didyou？Ifyou\'velefthermooningaboutWestminsterAbbeyorSt。Peter\'s，EatonSquare，withoutbeingabletogiveanysatisfactoryreasonwhyshe\'sthere，she\'llbeseizedundertheCatandMouseActandsenttoReginaldMcKenna。\"

\"Thatwouldbeextremelyawkward，\"saidJane，meetinganirresolutepieceofbreadandbutterhalfway；\"wehardlyknowtheMcKennas，anditwouldbeverytiresomehavingtotelephonetosomeunsympatheticprivatesecretary，describingLouisetohimandaskingtohavehersentbackintimefordinner。Fortunately，Ididn\'tgotoanyplaceofdevotion，thoughIdidgetmixedupwithaSalvationArmyprocession。Itwasquiteinterestingtobeatclosequarterswiththem，they\'resoabsolutelydifferenttowhattheyusedtobewhenI

firstremembertheminthe\'eighties。Theyusedtogoaboutthenunkemptanddishevelled，inasortofsmilingragewiththeworld，andnowthey\'respruceandjauntyandflamboyantlydecorative，likeageraniumbedwithreligiousconvictions。LauraKettlewaywasgoingonaboutthemintheliftoftheDoverStreetTubetheotherday，sayingwhatalotofgoodworktheydid，andwhatalossitwouldhavebeenifthey\'dneverexisted。\'Iftheyhadneverexisted，\'Isaid，\'GranvilleBarkerwouldhavebeencertaintohaveinventedsomethingthatlookedexactlylikethem。\'Ifyousaythingslikethat，quiteloud，inaTubelift，theyalwayssoundlikeepigrams。\"

\"IthinkyououghttodosomethingaboutLouise，\"saidthedowager。

\"I\'mtryingtothinkwhethershewaswithmewhenIcalledonAdaSpelvexit。Iratherenjoyedmyselfthere。Adawastrying，asusual，toramthatodiousKoriatoffskiwomandownmythroat，knowingperfectlywellthatIdetesther，andinanunguardedmomentshesaid：\'She\'sleavingherpresenthouseandgoingtoLowerSeymourStreet。\'\'Idaresayshewill，ifshestaystherelongenough，\'I

said。Adadidn\'tseeitforaboutthreeminutes，andthenshewaspositivelyuncivil。No，IamcertainIdidn\'tleaveLouisethere。\"

\"IfyoucouldmanagetorememberwhereyouDIDleaveher，itwouldbemoretothepointthanthesenegativeassurances，\"saidLadyBeanford；\"sofar，allweknowisthatsheisnotattheCarrywoods\'，orAdaSpelvexit\'s，orWestminsterAbbey。\"

\"Thatnarrowsthesearchdownabit，\"saidJanehopefully；\"IratherfancyshemusthavebeenwithmewhenIwenttoMornay\'s。IknowI

wenttoMornay\'s，becauseIremembermeetingthatdelightfulMalcolmWhat\'s-his-namethere——youknowwhomImean。That\'sthegreatadvantageofpeoplehavingunusualfirstnames，youneedn\'ttryandrememberwhattheirothernameis。OfcourseIknowoneortwootherMalcolms，butnonethatcouldpossiblybedescribedasdelightful。HegavemetwoticketsfortheHappySundayEveningsinSloaneSquare。I\'veprobablyleftthematMornay\'s，butstillitwasawfullykindofhimtogivethemtome。\"

\"DoyouthinkyouleftLouisethere？\"

\"Imighttelephoneandask。Oh，Robert，beforeyouclearthetea-

thingsawayIwishyou\'dringupMornay\'s，inRegentStreet，andaskifIlefttwotheatreticketsandonenieceintheirshopthisafternoon。\"

\"Aniece，ma\'am？\"askedthefootman。

\"Yes，MissLouisedidn\'tcomehomewithme，andI\'mnotsurewhereI

lefther。\"

\"MissLouisehasbeenupstairsalltheafternoon，ma\'am，readingtothesecondkitchenmaid，whohastheneuralgia。ItookupteatoMissLouiseataquartertofiveo\'clock，ma\'am。\"

\"Ofcourse，howsillyofme。Iremembernow，IaskedhertoreadtheFaerieQueenetopoorEmma，totrytosendhertosleep。I

alwaysgetsomeonetoreadtheFaerieQueenetomewhenIhaveneuralgia，anditusuallysendsmetosleep。Louisedoesn\'tseemtohavebeensuccessful，butonecan\'tsayshehasn\'ttried。Iexpectafterthefirsthourorsothekitchenmaidwouldratherhavebeenleftalonewithherneuralgia，butofcourseLouisewouldn\'tleaveofftillsomeonetoldherto。Anyhow，youcanringupMornay\'s，Robert，andaskwhetherIlefttwotheatreticketsthere。Exceptforyoursilk，Susan，thoseseemtobetheonlythingsI\'veforgottenthisafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme。\"

TEA

JamesCushat-Prinklywasayoungmanwhohadalwayshadasettledconvictionthatoneofthesedayshewouldmarry；uptotheageofthirty-fourhehaddonenothingtojustifythatconviction。Helikedandadmiredagreatmanywomencollectivelyanddispassionatelywithoutsinglingoutoneforespecialmatrimonialconsideration，justasonemightadmiretheAlpswithoutfeelingthatonewantedanyparticularpeakasone\'sownprivateproperty。

Hislackofinitiativeinthismatterarousedacertainamountofimpatienceamongthesentimentally-mindedwomen-folkofhishomecircle；hismother，hissisters，anaunt-in-residence，andtwoorthreeintimatematronlyfriendsregardedhisdilatoryapproachtothemarriedstatewithadisapprovalthatwasfarfrombeinginarticulate。Hismostinnocentflirtationswerewatchedwiththestrainingeagernesswhichagroupofunexercisedterriersconcentratesontheslightestmovementsofahumanbeingwhomaybereasonablyconsideredlikelytotakethemforawalk。Nodecent-

souledmortalcanlongresistthepleadingofseveralpairsofwalk-

beseechingdog-eyes；JamesCushat-Prinklywasnotsufficientlyobstinateorindifferenttohomeinfluencestodisregardtheobviouslyexpressedwishofhisfamilythatheshouldbecomeenamouredofsomenicemarriageablegirl，andwhenhisUncleJulesdepartedthislifeandbequeathedhimacomfortablelittlelegacyitreallyseemedthecorrectthingtodotosetaboutdiscoveringsomeonetoshareitwithhim。Theprocessofdiscoverywascarriedonmorebytheforceofsuggestionandtheweightofpublicopinionthanbyanyinitiativeofhisown；aclearworkingmajorityofhisfemalerelativesandtheaforesaidmatronlyfriendshadpitchedonJoanSebastableasthemostsuitableyoungwomaninhisrangeofacquaintancetowhomhemightproposemarriage，andJamesbecamegraduallyaccustomedtotheideathatheandJoanwouldgotogetherthroughtheprescribedstagesofcongratulations，present-receiving，NorwegianorMediterraneanhotels，andeventualdomesticity。Itwasnecessary，howevertoasktheladywhatshethoughtaboutthematter；thefamilyhadsofarconductedanddirectedtheflirtationwithabilityanddiscretion，buttheactualproposalwouldhavetobeanindividualeffort。

Cushat-PrinklywalkedacrosstheParktowardstheSebastableresidenceinaframeofmindthatwasmoderatelycomplacent。Asthethingwasgoingtobedonehewasgladtofeelthathewasgoingtogetitsettledandoffhismindthatafternoon。Proposingmarriage，eventoanicegirllikeJoan，wasaratherirksomebusiness，butonecouldnothaveahoneymooninMinorcaandasubsequentlifeofmarriedhappinesswithoutsuchpreliminary。HewonderedwhatMinorcawasreallylikeasaplacetostopin；inhismind\'seyeitwasanislandinperpetualhalf-mourning，withblackorwhiteMinorcahensrunningalloverit。Probablyitwouldnotbeabitlikethatwhenonecametoexamineit。PeoplewhohadbeeninRussiahadtoldhimthattheydidnotrememberhavingseenanyMuscovyducksthere，soitwaspossiblethattherewouldbenoMinorcafowlsontheisland。

HisMediterraneanmusingswereinterruptedbythesoundofaclockstrikingthehalf-hour。Half-pastfour。Afrownofdissatisfactionsettledonhisface。HewouldarriveattheSebastablemansionjustatthehourofafternoontea。Joanwouldbeseatedatalowtable，spreadwithanarrayofsilverkettlesandcream-jugsanddelicateporcelaintea-cups，behindwhichhervoicewouldtinklepleasantlyinaseriesoflittlefriendlyquestionsaboutweakorstrongtea，howmuch，ifany，sugar，milk，cream，andsoforth。\"Isitonelump？Iforgot。Youdotakemilk，don\'tyou？Wouldyoulikesomemorehotwater，ifit\'stoostrong？\"

Cushat-Prinklyhadreadofsuchthingsinscoresofnovels，andhundredsofactualexperienceshadtoldhimthattheyweretruetolife。Thousandsofwomen，atthissolemnafternoonhour，weresittingbehinddaintyporcelainandsilverfittings，withtheirvoicestinklingpleasantlyinacascadeofsolicitouslittlequestions。Cushat-Prinklydetestedthewholesystemofafternoontea。Accordingtohistheoryoflifeawomanshouldlieonadivanorcouch，talkingwithincomparablecharmorlookingunutterablethoughts，ormerelysilentasathingtobelookedon，andfrombehindasilkencurtainasmallNubianpageshouldsilentlybringinatraywithcupsanddainties，tobeacceptedsilently，asamatterofcourse，withoutdrawn-outchatteraboutcreamandsugarandhotwater。Ifone\'ssoulwasreallyenslavedatone\'smistress\'sfeethowcouldonetalkcoherentlyaboutweakenedtea？Cushat-Prinklyhadneverexpoundedhisviewsonthesubjecttohismother；allherlifeshehadbeenaccustomedtotinklepleasantlyattea-timebehinddaintyporcelainandsilver，andifhehadspokentoheraboutdivansandNubianpagesshewouldhaveurgedhimtotakeaweek\'sholidayattheseaside。Now，ashepassedthroughatangleofsmallstreetsthatledindirectlytotheelegantMayfairterraceforwhichhewasbound，ahorrorattheideaofconfrontingJoanSebastableathertea-tableseizedonhim。Amomentarydeliverancepresenteditself；ononefloorofanarrowlittlehouseatthenoisierendofEsquimaultStreetlivedRhodaEllam，asortofremotecousin，whomadealivingbycreatinghatsoutofcostlymaterials。ThehatsreallylookedasiftheyhadcomefromParis；thechequesshegotforthemunfortunatelyneverlookedasiftheyweregoingtoParis。

However，Rhodaappearedtofindlifeamusingandtohaveafairlygoodtimeinspiteofherstraitenedcircumstances。Cushat-Prinklydecidedtoclimbuptoherflooranddeferbyhalf-an-hourorsotheimportantbusinesswhichlaybeforehim；byspinningouthisvisithecouldcontrivetoreachtheSebastablemansionafterthelastvestigesofdaintyporcelainhadbeenclearedaway。

Rhodawelcomedhimintoaroomthatseemedtododutyasworkshop，sitting-room，andkitchencombined，andtobewonderfullycleanandcomfortableatthesametime。

\"I\'mhavingapicnicmeal，\"sheannounced。\"There\'scaviareinthatjaratyourelbow。Beginonthatbrownbread-and-butterwhileIcutsomemore。Findyourselfacup；theteapotisbehindyou。Nowtellmeabouthundredsofthings。\"

Shemadenootherallusiontofood，buttalkedamusinglyandmadehervisitortalkamusinglytoo。Atthesametimeshecutthebread-

and-butterwithamasterlyskillandproducedredpepperandslicedlemon，wheresomanywomenwouldmerelyhaveproducedreasonsandregretsfornothavingany。Cushat-PrinklyfoundthathewasenjoyinganexcellentteawithouthavingtoanswerasmanyquestionsaboutitasaMinisterforAgriculturemightbecalledontoreplytoduringanoutbreakofcattleplague。

\"Andnowtellmewhyyouhavecometoseeme，\"saidRhodasuddenly。

\"Youarousenotmerelymycuriositybutmybusinessinstincts。I

hopeyou\'vecomeabouthats。Iheardthatyouhadcomeintoalegacytheotherday，and，ofcourse，itstruckmethatitwouldbeabeautifulanddesirablethingforyoutocelebratetheeventbybuyingbrilliantlyexpensivehatsforallyoursisters。Theymaynothavesaidanythingaboutit，butIfeelsurethesameideahasoccurredtothem。Ofcourse，withGoodwoodonus，Iamratherrushedjustnow，butinmybusinesswe\'reaccustomedtothat；weliveinaseriesofrushes——liketheinfantMoses。\"

\"Ididn\'tcomeabouthats，\"saidhervisitor。\"Infact，Idon\'tthinkIreallycameaboutanything。IwaspassingandIjustthoughtI\'dlookinandseeyou。SinceI\'vebeensittingtalkingtoyou，however，ratherimportantideahasoccurredtome。Ifyou\'llforgetGoodwoodforamomentandlistentome，I\'lltellyouwhatitis。\"

SomefortyminuteslaterJamesCushat-Prinklyreturnedtothebosomofhisfamily，bearinganimportantpieceofnews。

\"I\'mengagedtobemarried，\"heannounced。

Arapturousoutbreakofcongratulationandself-applausebrokeout。

\"Ah，weknew！Wesawitcoming！Weforetolditweeksago！\"

\"I\'llbetyoudidn\'t，\"saidCushat-Prinkly。\"Ifanyonehadtoldmeatlunch-timeto-daythatIwasgoingtoaskRhodaEllamtomarrymeandthatshewasgoingtoacceptmeIwouldhavelaughedattheidea。\"

TheromanticsuddennessoftheaffairinsomemeasurecompensatedJames\'swomen-folkfortheruthlessnegationofalltheirpatienteffortandskilleddiplomacy。Itwasrathertryingtohavetodeflecttheirenthusiasmatamoment\'snoticefromJoanSebastabletoRhodaEllam；but，afterall，itwasJames\'swifewhowasinquestion，andhistasteshadsomeclaimtobeconsidered。

OnaSeptemberafternoonofthesameyear，afterthehoneymooninMinorcahadended，Cushat-Prinklycameintothedrawing-roomofhisnewhouseinGranchesterSquare。Rhodawasseatedatalowtable，behindaserviceofdaintyporcelainandgleamingsilver。Therewasapleasanttinklingnoteinhervoiceasshehandedhimacup。

\"Youlikeitweakerthanthat，don\'tyou？ShallIputsomemorehotwatertoit？No？\"

THEDISAPPEARANCEOFCRISPINAUMBERLEIGH

Inafirst-classcarriageofatrainspeedingBalkanwardacrosstheflat，greenHungarianplaintwoBritonssatinfriendly，fitfulconverse。Theyhadfirstforegatheredinthecoldgreydawnatthefrontierline，wherethepresidingeagletakesonanextraheadandTeutonlandspassfromHohenzollerntoHabsburgkeeping——andwhereaprobingofficialbeakrequirestodelveinpoliteandperhapsperfunctory，butalwaystiresome，mannerintothebaggageofsleep-

hungrypassengers。Afteraday\'sbreakoftheirjourneyatViennathetravellershadagainforegatheredatthetrainsideandpaidoneanotherthecomplimentofsettlinginstinctivelyintothesamecarriage。Theelderofthetwohadtheappearanceandmannerofadiplomat；inpointoffacthewasthewell-connectedfoster-brotherofawinebusiness。Theotherwascertainlyajournalist。Neithermanwastalkativeandeachwasgratefultotheotherfornotbeingtalkative。Thatiswhyfromtimetotimetheytalked。

Onetopicofconversationnaturallythrustitselfforwardinfrontofallothers。InViennathepreviousdaytheyhadlearnedofthemysteriousvanishingofaworld-famouspicturefromthewallsoftheLouvre。

\"Adramaticdisappearanceofthatsortissuretoproduceacropofimitations，\"saidtheJournalist。

\"Ithashadalotofanticipations，forthematterofthat，\"saidtheWine-brother。

\"Oh，ofcoursetherehavebeentheftsfromtheLouvrebefore。\"

\"Iwasthinkingofthespiritingawayofhumanbeingsratherthanpictures。InparticularIwasthinkingofthecaseofmyaunt，CrispinaUmberleigh。\"

\"Irememberhearingsomethingoftheaffair，\"saidtheJournalist，\"butIwasawayfromEnglandatthetime。Ineverquiteknewwhatwassupposedtohavehappened。\"

\"Youmayhearwhatreallyhappenedifyouwillrespectitasaconfidence，\"saidtheWineMerchant。\"InthefirstplaceImaysaythatthedisappearanceofMrs。Umberleighwasnotregardedbythefamilyentirelyasabereavement。Myuncle，EdwardUmberleigh，wasnotbyanymeansaweak-kneedindividual，infactintheworldofpoliticshehadtobereckonedwithmoreorlessasastrongman，buthewasunmistakablydominatedbyCrispina；indeedInevermetanyhumanbeingwhowasnotfrozenintosubjectionwhenbroughtintoprolongedcontactwithher。Somepeopleareborntocommand；

CrispinaMrs。Umberleighwasborntolegislate，codify，administrate，censor，license，ban，execute，andsitinjudgementgenerally。Ifshewasnotbornwiththatdestinysheadopteditatanearlyage。Fromthekitchenregionsupwardseveryoneinthehouseholdcameunderherdespoticswayandstayedtherewiththesubmissivenessofmolluscsinvolvedinaglacialepoch。Asanephewonafootingofonlyoccasionalvisitssheaffectedmemerelyasanepidemic，disagreeablewhileitlasted，butwithoutanypermanenteffect；butherownsonsanddaughtersstoodinmortalaweofher；

theirstudies，friendships，diet，amusements，religiousobservances，andwayofdoingtheirhairwereallregulatedandordainedaccordingtotheaugustlady\'swillandpleasure。Thiswillhelpyoutounderstandthesensationofstupefactionwhichwascausedinthefamilywhensheunobtrusivelyandinexplicablyvanished。ItwasasthoughSt。Paul\'sCathedralorthePiccadillyHotelhaddisappearedinthenight，leavingnothingbutanopenspacetomarkwhereithadstood。Asfaraswasknownnothingwastroublingher；

infacttherewasmuchbeforehertomakelifeparticularlywellworthliving。Theyoungestboyhadcomebackfromschoolwithanunsatisfactoryreport，andshewastohavesatinjudgementonhimtheveryafternoonofthedayshedisappeared——ifithadbeenhewhohadvanishedinahurryonecouldhavesuppliedthemotive。Thenshewasinthemiddleofanewspapercorrespondencewitharuraldeaninwhichshehadalreadyprovedhimguiltyofheresy，inconsistency，andunworthyquibbling，andnoordinaryconsiderationwouldhaveinducedhertodiscontinuethecontroversy。Ofcoursethematterwasputinthehandsofthepolice，butasfaraspossibleitwaskeptoutofthepapers，andthegenerallyacceptedexplanationofherwithdrawalfromhersocialcirclewasthatshehadgoneintoanursinghome。\"

\"Andwhatwastheimmediateeffectonthehomecircle？\"askedtheJournalist。

\"Allthegirlsboughtthemselvesbicycles；thefemininecyclingcrazewasstillinexistence，andCrispinahadrigidlyvetoedanyparticipationinitamongthemembersofherhousehold。Theyoungestboylethimselfgotosuchanextentduringhisnexttermthatithadtobehislastasfarasthatparticularestablishmentwasconcerned。Theelderboyspropoundedatheorythattheirmothermightbewanderingsomewhereabroad，andsearchedforherassiduously，chiefly，itmustbeadmitted，inaclassofMontmartreresortwhereitwasextremelyimprobablethatshewouldbefound。\"

\"Andallthiswhilecouldn\'tyourunclegetholdoftheleastclue？\"

\"Asamatteroffacthehadreceivedsomeinformation，thoughofcourseIdidnotknowofitatthetime。Hegotamessageonedaytellinghimthathiswifehadbeenkidnappedandsmuggledoutofthecountry；shewassaidtobehiddenaway，inoneoftheislandsoffthecoastofNorwayIthinkitwas，incomfortablesurroundingsandwellcaredfor。Andwiththeinformationcameademandformoney；alumpsumof2000poundswastobepaidyearly。Failingthisshewouldbeimmediatelyrestoredtoherfamily。\"

TheJournalistwassilentforamoment，andthembegantolaughquietly。

\"Itwascertainlyaninvertedformofholdingtoransom，\"hesaid。

\"Ifyouhadknownmyaunt，\"saidtheWineMerchant，\"youwouldhavewonderedthattheydidn\'tputthefigurehigher。\"

\"Irealisethetemptation。Didyourunclesuccumbtoit？\"

\"Well，yousee，hehadtothinkofothersaswellashimself。ForthefamilytohavegonebackintotheCrispinathraldomafterhavingtastedthedelightsoflibertywouldhavebeenatragedy，andtherewereevenwiderconsiderationstobetakenintoaccount。Sincehisbereavementhehadunconsciouslytakenupafarbolderandmoreinitiatorylineinpublicaffairs，andhispopularityandinfluencehadincreasedcorrespondingly。Frombeingmerelyastrongmaninthepoliticalworldhebegantobespokenofasthestrongman。AllthisheknewwouldbejeopardisedifheoncemoredroppedintothesocialpositionofthehusbandofMrs。Umberleigh。Hewasarichman，andthe2000poundsayear，thoughnotexactlyafleabite，didnotseemanextravagantpricetopayfortheboarding-outofCrispina。Ofcourse，hehadseverequalmsofconscienceaboutthearrangement。Lateron，whenhetookmeintohisconfidence，hetoldmethatinpayingtheransom，orhush-moneyasIshouldhavecalledit，hewaspartlyinfluencedbythefearthatifherefuseditthekidnappersmighthaveventedtheirrageanddisappointmentontheircaptive。Itwasbetter，hesaid，tothinkofherbeingwellcaredforasahighly-valuedpaying-guestinoneoftheLofodenIslandsthantohaveherstrugglingmiserablyhomeinamaimedandmutilatedcondition。Anywayhepaidtheyearlyinstalmentaspunctuallyasonepaysafireinsurance，andwithequalpromptitudetherewouldcomeanacknowledgmentofthemoneyandabriefstatementtotheeffectthatCrispinawasingoodhealthandfairlycheerfulspirits。

OnereportevenmentionedthatshewasbusyingherselfwithaschemeforproposedreformsinChurchmanagementtobepressedonthelocalpastorate。Anotherspokeofarheumaticattackandajourneytoa\'cure\'onthemainland，andonthatoccasionanadditionaleightypoundswasdemandedandconceded。Ofcourseitwastotheinterestofthekidnapperstokeeptheirchargeingoodhealth，butthesecrecywithwhichtheymanagedtoshroudtheirarrangementsarguedareallywonderfulorganisation。Ifmyunclewaspayingaratherhighprice，atleasthecouldconsolehimselfwiththereflectionthathewaspayingspecialists\'fees。\"

\"Meanwhilehadthepolicegivenupallattemptstotrackthemissinglady？\"askedtheJournalist。

\"Notentirely；theycametomyunclefromtimetotimetoreportonclueswhichtheythoughtmightyieldsomeelucidationastoherfateorwhereabouts，butIthinktheyhadtheirsuspicionsthathewaspossessedofmoreinformationthanhehadputattheirdisposal。

Andthen，afteradisappearanceofmorethaneightyears，Crispinareturnedwithdramaticsuddennesstothehomeshehadleftsomysteriously。\"

\"Shehadgivenhercaptorstheslip？\"

\"Shehadneverbeencaptured。Herwanderingawayhadbeencausedbyasuddenandcompletelossofmemory。Sheusuallydressedratherinthestyleofasuperiorkindofcharwoman，anditwasnotsoverysurprisingthatsheshouldhaveimaginedthatshewasone；andstilllessthatpeopleshouldacceptherstatementandhelphertogetwork。ShehadwanderedasfarafieldasBirmingham，andfoundfairlysteadyemploymentthere，herenergyandenthusiasminputtingpeople\'sroomsinordercounterbalancingherobstinateanddomineeringcharacteristics。Itwastheshockofbeingpatronisinglyaddressedas\'mygoodwoman\'byacurate，whowasdisputingwithherwherethestoveshouldbeplacedinaparishconcerthallthatledtothesuddenrestorationofhermemory。\'I

thinkyouforgetwhoyouarespeakingto，\'sheobservedcrushingly，whichwasratherundulysevere，consideringshehadonlyjustremembereditherself。\"

\"But，\"exclaimedtheJournalist，\"theLofodenIslandpeople！Whohadtheygotholdof？\"

\"Apurelymythicalprisoner。Itwasanattemptinthefirstplacebysomeonewhoknewsomethingofthedomesticsituation，probablyadischargedvalet，tobluffalumpsumoutofEdwardUmberleighbeforethemissingwomanturnedup；thesubsequentyearlyinstalmentswereanunlooked-forincrementtotheoriginalhaul。

\"Crispinafoundthattheeightyears\'interregnumhadmateriallyweakenedherascendancyoverhernowgrown-upoffspring。Herhusband，however，neveraccomplishedanythinggreatinthepoliticalworldafterherreturn；thestrainoftryingtoaccountsatisfactorilyforanunspecifiedexpenditureofsixteenthousandpoundsspreadovereightyearssufficientlyoccupiedhismentalenergies。HereisBelgradandanothercustomhouse。\"

THEWOLVESOFCERNOGRATZ

\"Aretheyanyoldlegendsattachedtothecastle？\"askedConradofhissister。ConradwasaprosperousHamburgmerchant，buthewastheonepoetically-dispositionedmemberofaneminentlypracticalfamily。

TheBaronessGruebelshruggedherplumpshoulders。

\"Therearealwayslegendshangingabouttheseoldplaces。Theyarenotdifficulttoinventandtheycostnothing。Inthiscasethereisastorythatwhenanyonediesinthecastleallthedogsinthevillageandthewildbeastsinforesthowlthenightlong。Itwouldnotbepleasanttolistento，wouldit？\"

\"Itwouldbeweirdandromantic，\"saidtheHamburgmerchant。