第1章

THREEMENINABOAT

（TOSAYNOTHINGOFTHEDOG）。

ThreeMeninaBoatbyJeromeK。JeromeCHAPTERI。

THREEINVALIDS-SUFFERINGSOFGEORGEANDHARRIS-AVICTIMTOONE

HUNDREDANDSEVENFATALMALADIES-USEFULPRESCRIPTIONS-CUREFOR

LIVERCOMPLAINTINCHILDREN-WEAGREETHATWEAREOVERWORKED，ANDNEED

REST-AWEEKONTHEROLLINGDEEP？-GEORGESUGGESTSTHERIVER-

MONTMORENCYLODGESANOBJECTION-ORIGINALMOTIONCARRIEDBYMAJORITYOF

THREETOONE。

THEREwerefourofus-George，andWilliamSamuelHarris，andmyself，andMontmorency。Weweresittinginmyroom，smoking，andtalkingabouthowbadwewere-badfromamedicalpointofviewImean，ofcourse。

Wewereallfeelingseedy，andweweregettingquitenervousaboutit。

Harrissaidhefeltsuchextraordinaryfitsofgiddinesscomeoverhimattimes，thathehardlyknewwhathewasdoing；andthenGeorgesaidthatHEhadfitsofgiddinesstoo，andhardlyknewwhatHEwasdoing。Withme，itwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder。Iknewitwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder，becauseIhadjustbeenreadingapatentliver-pillcircular，inwhichweredetailedthevarioussymptomsbywhichamancouldtellwhenhisliverwasoutoforder。Ihadthemall。

Itisamostextraordinarything，butIneverreadapatentmedicineadvertisementwithoutbeingimpelledtotheconclusionthatIamsufferingfromtheparticulardiseasethereindealtwithinitsmostvirulentform。ThediagnosisseemsineverycasetocorrespondexactlywithallthesensationsthatIhaveeverfelt。

IremembergoingtotheBritishMuseumonedaytoreadupthetreatmentforsomeslightailmentofwhichIhadatouch-hayfever，Ifancyitwas。Igotdownthebook，andreadallIcametoread；andthen，inanunthinkingmoment，Iidlyturnedtheleaves，andbegantoindolentlystudydiseases，generally。IforgetwhichwasthefirstdistemperI

plungedinto-somefearful，devastatingscourge，Iknow-and，beforeI

hadglancedhalfdownthelistof\"premonitorysymptoms，\"itwasborneinuponmethatIhadfairlygotit。

Isatforawhile，frozenwithhorror；andthen，inthelistlessnessofdespair，Iagainturnedoverthepages。Icametotyphoidfever-readthesymptoms-discoveredthatIhadtyphoidfever，musthavehaditformonthswithoutknowingit-wonderedwhatelseIhadgot；turnedupSt。

Vitus\'sDance-found，asIexpected，thatIhadthattoo，-begantogetinterestedinmycase，anddeterminedtosiftittothebottom，andsostartedalphabetically-readupague，andlearntthatIwassickeningforit，andthattheacutestagewouldcommenceinaboutanotherfortnight。Bright\'sdisease，Iwasrelievedtofind，Ihadonlyinamodifiedform，and，sofarasthatwasconcerned，Imightliveforyears。

CholeraIhad，withseverecomplications；anddiphtheriaIseemedtohavebeenbornwith。Iploddedconscientiouslythroughthetwenty-sixletters，andtheonlymaladyIcouldconcludeIhadnotgotwashousemaid\'sknee。

Ifeltratherhurtaboutthisatfirst；itseemedsomehowtobeasortofslight。Whyhadn\'tIgothousemaid\'sknee？Whythisinvidiousreservation？Afterawhile，however，lessgraspingfeelingsprevailed。I

reflectedthatIhadeveryotherknownmaladyinthepharmacology，andI

grewlessselfish，anddeterminedtodowithouthousemaid\'sknee。Gout，initsmostmalignantstage，itwouldappear，hadseizedmewithoutmybeingawareofit；andzymosisIhadevidentlybeensufferingwithfromboyhood。Therewerenomorediseasesafterzymosis，soIconcludedtherewasnothingelsethematterwithme。

Isatandpondered。IthoughtwhataninterestingcaseImustbefromamedicalpointofview，whatanacquisitionIshouldbetoaclass！

Studentswouldhavenoneedto\"walkthehospitals，\"iftheyhadme。I

wasahospitalinmyself。Alltheyneeddowouldbetowalkroundme，and，afterthat，taketheirdiploma。

ThenIwonderedhowlongIhadtolive。Itriedtoexaminemyself。I

feltmypulse。Icouldnotatfirstfeelanypulseatall。Then，allofasudden，itseemedtostartoff。Ipulledoutmywatchandtimedit。I

madeitahundredandforty-seventotheminute。Itriedtofeelmyheart。Icouldnotfeelmyheart。Ithadstoppedbeating。Ihavesincebeeninducedtocometotheopinionthatitmusthavebeenthereallthetime，andmusthavebeenbeating，butIcannotaccountforit。Ipattedmyselfallovermyfront，fromwhatIcallmywaistuptomyhead，andI

wentabitroundeachside，andalittlewayuptheback。ButIcouldnotfeelorhearanything。Itriedtolookatmytongue。Istuckitoutasfaraseveritwouldgo，andIshutoneeye，andtriedtoexamineitwiththeother。Icouldonlyseethetip，andtheonlythingthatI

couldgainfromthatwastofeelmorecertainthanbeforethatIhadscarletfever。

Ihadwalkedintothatreading-roomahappy，healthyman。Icrawledoutadecrepitwreck。

Iwenttomymedicalman。Heisanoldchumofmine，andfeelsmypulse，andlooksatmytongue，andtalksabouttheweather，allfornothing，whenIfancyI\'mill；soIthoughtIwoulddohimagoodturnbygoingtohimnow。\"Whatadoctorwants，\"Isaid，\"ispractice。Heshallhaveme。

Hewillgetmorepracticeoutofmethanoutofseventeenhundredofyourordinary，commonplacepatients，withonlyoneortwodiseaseseach。\"SoIwentstraightupandsawhim，andhesaid：

\"Well，what\'sthematterwithyou？\"

Isaid：

\"Iwillnottakeupyourtime，dearboy，withtellingyouwhatisthematterwithme。Lifeisbrief，andyoumightpassawaybeforeIhadfinished。ButIwilltellyouwhatisNOTthematterwithme。Ihavenotgothousemaid\'sknee。WhyIhavenotgothousemaid\'sknee，Icannottellyou；butthefactremainsthatIhavenotgotit。Everythingelse，however，IHAVEgot。\"

AndItoldhimhowIcametodiscoveritall。

Thenheopenedmeandlookeddownme，andclutchedholdofmywrist，andthenhehitmeoverthechestwhenIwasn\'texpectingit-acowardlythingtodo，Icallit-andimmediatelyafterwardsbuttedmewiththesideofhishead。Afterthat，hesatdownandwroteoutaprescription，andfoldeditupandgaveitme，andIputitinmypocketandwentout。

Ididnotopenit。Itookittothenearestchemist\'s，andhandeditin。

Themanreadit，andthenhandeditback。

Hesaidhedidn\'tkeepit。

Isaid：

\"Youareachemist？\"

Hesaid：

\"Iamachemist。IfIwasaco-operativestoresandfamilyhotelcombined，Imightbeabletoobligeyou。Beingonlyachemisthampersme。\"

Ireadtheprescription。Itran：

\"1lb。beefsteak，with1pt。bitterbeerevery6hours。

1ten-milewalkeverymorning。

1bedat11sharpeverynight。

Anddon\'tstuffupyourheadwiththingsyoudon\'tunderstand。\"

Ifollowedthedirections，withthehappyresult-speakingformyself-

thatmylifewaspreserved，andisstillgoingon。

Inthepresentinstance，goingbacktotheliver-pillcircular，Ihadthesymptoms，beyondallmistake，thechiefamongthembeing\"ageneraldisinclinationtoworkofanykind。\"

WhatIsufferinthatwaynotonguecantell。FrommyearliestinfancyI

havebeenamartyrtoit。Asaboy，thediseasehardlyeverleftmeforaday。Theydidnotknow，then，thatitwasmyliver。Medicalsciencewasinafarlessadvancedstatethannow，andtheyusedtoputitdowntolaziness。

\"Why，youskulkinglittledevil，you，\"theywouldsay，\"getupanddosomethingforyourliving，can\'tyou？\"-notknowing，ofcourse，thatI

wasill。

Andtheydidn\'tgivemepills；theygavemeclumpsonthesideofthehead。And，strangeasitmayappear，thoseclumpsontheheadoftencuredme-forthetimebeing。Ihaveknownoneclumpontheheadhavemoreeffectuponmyliver，andmakemefeelmoreanxioustogostraightawaythenandthere，anddowhatwaswantedtobedone，withoutfurtherlossoftime，thanawholeboxofpillsdoesnow。

Youknow，itoftenisso-thosesimple，old-fashionedremediesaresometimesmoreefficaciousthanallthedispensarystuff。

Wesatthereforhalf-an-hour，describingtoeachotherourmaladies。I

explainedtoGeorgeandWilliamHarrishowIfeltwhenIgotupinthemorning，andWilliamHarristoldushowhefeltwhenhewenttobed；andGeorgestoodonthehearth-rug，andgaveusacleverandpowerfulpieceofacting，illustrativeofhowhefeltinthenight。

GeorgeFANCIESheisill；butthere\'sneveranythingreallythematterwithhim，youknow。

Atthispoint，Mrs。Poppetsknockedatthedoortoknowifwewerereadyforsupper。Wesmiledsadlyatoneanother，andsaidwesupposedwehadbettertrytoswallowabit。Harrissaidalittlesomethinginone\'sstomachoftenkeptthediseaseincheck；andMrs。Poppetsbroughtthetrayin，andwedrewuptothetable，andtoyedwithalittlesteakandonions，andsomerhubarbtart。

Imusthavebeenveryweakatthetime；becauseIknow，afterthefirsthalf-hourorso，Iseemedtotakenointerestwhateverinmyfood-anunusualthingforme-andIdidn\'twantanycheese。

Thisdutydone，werefilledourglasses，litourpipes，andresumedthediscussionuponourstateofhealth。Whatitwasthatwasactuallythematterwithus，wenoneofuscouldbesureof；buttheunanimousopinionwasthatit-whateveritwas-hadbeenbroughtonbyoverwork。

\"Whatwewantisrest，\"saidHarris。

\"Restandacompletechange，\"saidGeorge。\"Theoverstrainuponourbrainshasproducedageneraldepressionthroughoutthesystem。Changeofscene，andabsenceofthenecessityforthought，willrestorethementalequilibrium。\"

Georgehasacousin，whoisusuallydescribedinthecharge-sheetasamedicalstudent，sothathenaturallyhasasomewhatfamily-physicianarywayofputtingthings。

IagreedwithGeorge，andsuggestedthatweshouldseekoutsomeretiredandold-worldspot，farfromthemaddingcrowd，anddreamawayasunnyweekamongitsdrowsylanes-somehalf-forgottennook，hiddenawaybythefairies，outofreachofthenoisyworld-somequaint-perchedeyrieonthecliffsofTime，fromwhencethesurgingwavesofthenineteenthcenturywouldsoundfar-offandfaint。

Harrissaidhethoughtitwouldbehumpy。HesaidheknewthesortofplaceImeant；whereeverybodywenttobedateighto\'clock，andyoucouldn\'tgetaREFEREEforloveormoney，andhadtowalktenmilestogetyourbaccy。

\"No，\"saidHarris，\"ifyouwantrestandchange，youcan\'tbeataseatrip。\"

Iobjectedtotheseatripstrongly。Aseatripdoesyougoodwhenyouaregoingtohaveacoupleofmonthsofit，but，foraweek，itiswicked。

YoustartonMondaywiththeideaimplantedinyourbosomthatyouaregoingtoenjoyyourself。Youwaveanairyadieutotheboysonshore，lightyourbiggestpipe，andswaggeraboutthedeckasifyouwereCaptainCook，SirFrancisDrake，andChristopherColumbusallrolledintoone。OnTuesday，youwishyouhadn\'tcome。OnWednesday，Thursday，andFriday，youwishyouweredead。OnSaturday，youareabletoswallowalittlebeeftea，andtositupondeck，andanswerwithawan，sweetsmilewhenkind-heartedpeopleaskyouhowyoufeelnow。OnSunday，youbegintowalkaboutagain，andtakesolidfood。AndonMondaymorning，as，withyourbagandumbrellainyourhand，youstandbythegunwale，waitingtostepashore，youbegintothoroughlylikeit。

Iremembermybrother-in-lawgoingforashortseatriponce，forthebenefitofhishealth。HetookareturnberthfromLondontoLiverpool；

andwhenhegottoLiverpool，theonlythinghewasanxiousaboutwastosellthatreturnticket。

Itwasofferedroundthetownatatremendousreduction，soIamtold；

andwaseventuallysoldforeighteenpencetoabilious-lookingyouthwhohadjustbeenadvisedbyhismedicalmentogotothesea-side，andtakeexercise。

\"Sea-side！\"saidmybrother-in-law，pressingtheticketaffectionatelyintohishand；\"why，you\'llhaveenoughtolastyoualifetime；andasforexercise！why，you\'llgetmoreexercise，sittingdownonthatship，thanyouwouldturningsomersaultsondryland。\"

Hehimself-mybrother-in-law-camebackbytrain。HesaidtheNorth-

WesternRailwaywashealthyenoughforhim。

AnotherfellowIknewwentforaweek\'svoyageroundthecoast，and，beforetheystarted，thestewardcametohimtoaskwhetherhewouldpayforeachmealashehadit，orarrangebeforehandforthewholeseries。

Thestewardrecommendedthelattercourse，asitwouldcomesomuchcheaper。Hesaidtheywoulddohimforthewholeweekattwopoundsfive。Hesaidforbreakfasttherewouldbefish，followedbyagrill。

Lunchwasatone，andconsistedoffourcourses。Dinneratsix-soup，fish，entree，joint，poultry，salad，sweets，cheese，anddessert。Andalightmeatsupperatten。

Myfriendthoughthewouldcloseonthetwo-pound-fivejob（heisaheartyeater），anddidso。

LunchcamejustastheywereoffSheerness。Hedidn\'tfeelsohungryashethoughtheshould，andsocontentedhimselfwithabitofboiledbeef，andsomestrawberriesandcream。Heponderedagooddealduringtheafternoon，andatonetimeitseemedtohimthathehadbeeneatingnothingbutboiledbeefforweeks，andatothertimesitseemedthathemusthavebeenlivingonstrawberriesandcreamforyears。

Neitherthebeefnorthestrawberriesandcreamseemedhappy，either-

seemeddiscontentedlike。

Atsix，theycameandtoldhimdinnerwasready。Theannouncementarousednoenthusiasmwithinhim，buthefeltthattherewassomeofthattwo-pound-fivetobeworkedoff，andheheldontoropesandthingsandwentdown。Apleasantodourofonionsandhotham，mingledwithfriedfishandgreens，greetedhimatthebottomoftheladder；andthenthestewardcameupwithanoilysmile，andsaid：

\"WhatcanIgetyou，sir？\"

\"Getmeoutofthis，\"wasthefeeblereply。

Andtheyranhimupquick，andproppedhimup，overtoleeward，andlefthim。

Forthenextfourdayshelivedasimpleandblamelesslifeonthincaptain\'sbiscuits（Imeanthatthebiscuitswerethin，notthecaptain）

andsoda-water；but，towardsSaturday，hegotuppish，andwentinforweakteaanddrytoast，andonMondayhewasgorginghimselfonchickenbroth。HelefttheshiponTuesday，andasitsteamedawayfromthelanding-stagehegazedafteritregretfully。

\"Thereshegoes，\"hesaid，\"thereshegoes，withtwopounds\'worthoffoodonboardthatbelongstome，andthatIhaven\'thad。\"

Hesaidthatiftheyhadgivenhimanotherdayhethoughthecouldhaveputitstraight。

SoIsetmyfaceagainsttheseatrip。Not，asIexplained，uponmyownaccount。Iwasneverqueer。ButIwasafraidforGeorge。Georgesaidheshouldbeallright，andwouldratherlikeit，buthewouldadviseHarrisandmenottothinkofit，ashefeltsureweshouldbothbeill。

Harrissaidthat，tohimself，itwasalwaysamysteryhowpeoplemanagedtogetsickatsea-saidhethoughtpeoplemustdoitonpurpose，fromaffectation-saidhehadoftenwishedtobe，buthadneverbeenable。

ThenhetoldusanecdotesofhowhehadgoneacrosstheChannelwhenitwassoroughthatthepassengershadtobetiedintotheirberths，andheandthecaptainweretheonlytwolivingsoulsonboardwhowerenotill。

Sometimesitwasheandthesecondmatewhowerenotill；butitwasgenerallyheandoneotherman。Ifnotheandanotherman，thenitwashebyhimself。

Itisacuriousfact，butnobodyeverissea-sick-onland。Atsea，youcomeacrossplentyofpeopleverybadindeed，wholeboat-loadsofthem；

butInevermetamanyet，onland，whohadeverknownatallwhatitwastobesea-sick。Wherethethousandsuponthousandsofbadsailorsthatswarmineveryshiphidethemselveswhentheyareonlandisamystery。

IfmostmenwerelikeafellowIsawontheYarmouthboatoneday，I

couldaccountfortheseemingenigmaeasilyenough。ItwasjustoffSouthendPier，Irecollect，andhewasleaningoutthroughoneoftheport-holesinaverydangerousposition。Iwentuptohimtotryandsavehim。

\"Hi！comefurtherin，\"Isaid，shakinghimbytheshoulder。\"You\'llbeoverboard。\"

\"Ohmy！IwishIwas，\"wastheonlyanswerIcouldget；andthereIhadtoleavehim。

Threeweeksafterwards，Imethiminthecoffee-roomofaBathhotel，talkingabouthisvoyages，andexplaining，withenthusiasm，howhelovedthesea。

\"Goodsailor！\"herepliedinanswertoamildyoungman\'senviousquery；

\"well，IdidfeelalittlequeerONCE，Iconfess。ItwasoffCapeHorn。

Thevesselwaswreckedthenextmorning。\"

Isaid：

\"Weren\'tyoualittleshakybySouthendPieroneday，andwantedtobethrownoverboard？\"

\"SouthendPier！\"hereplied，withapuzzledexpression。

\"Yes；goingdowntoYarmouth，lastFridaythreeweeks。\"

\"Oh，ah-yes，\"heanswered，brighteningup；\"Iremembernow。Ididhaveaheadachethatafternoon。Itwasthepickles，youknow。TheywerethemostdisgracefulpicklesIevertastedinarespectableboat。Didyouhaveany？\"

Formyself，Ihavediscoveredanexcellentpreventiveagainstsea-

sickness，inbalancingmyself。Youstandinthecentreofthedeck，and，astheshipheavesandpitches，youmoveyourbodyabout，soastokeepitalwaysstraight。Whenthefrontoftheshiprises，youleanforward，tillthedeckalmosttouchesyournose；andwhenitsbackendgetsup，youleanbackwards。Thisisallverywellforanhourortwo；butyoucan\'tbalanceyourselfforaweek。

Georgesaid：

\"Let\'sgouptheriver。\"

Hesaidweshouldhavefreshair，exerciseandquiet；theconstantchangeofscenewouldoccupyourminds（includingwhattherewasofHarris\'s）；

andthehardworkwouldgiveusagoodappetite，andmakeussleepwell。

Harrissaidhedidn\'tthinkGeorgeoughttodoanythingthatwouldhaveatendencytomakehimsleepierthanhealwayswas，asitmightbedangerous。

Hesaidhedidn\'tverywellunderstandhowGeorgewasgoingtosleepanymorethanhedidnow，seeingthattherewereonlytwenty-fourhoursineachday，summerandwinteralike；butthoughtthatifheDIDsleepanymore，hemightjustaswellbedead，andsosavehisboardandlodging。

Harrissaid，however，thattheriverwouldsuithimtoa\"T。\"Idon\'tknowwhata\"T\"is（exceptasixpennyone，whichincludesbread-and-

butterandcakeADLIB。，andischeapattheprice，ifyouhaven\'thadanydinner）。Itseemstosuiteverybody，however，whichisgreatlytoitscredit。

Itsuitedmetoa\"T\"too，andHarrisandIbothsaiditwasagoodideaofGeorge\'s；andwesaiditinatonethatseemedtosomehowimplythatweweresurprisedthatGeorgeshouldhavecomeoutsosensible。

TheonlyonewhowasnotstruckwiththesuggestionwasMontmorency。Heneverdidcarefortheriver，didMontmorency。

\"It\'sallverywellforyoufellows，\"hesays；\"youlikeit，butIdon\'t。

There\'snothingformetodo。Sceneryisnotinmyline，andIdon\'tsmoke。IfIseearat，youwon\'tstop；andifIgotosleep，yougetfoolingaboutwiththeboat，andslopmeoverboard。Ifyouaskme，I

callthewholethingballyfoolishness。\"

Wewerethreetoone，however，andthemotionwascarried。

CHAPTERII。

PLANSDISCUSSED-PLEASURESOF\"CAMPING-OUT，\"ONFINENIGHTS-DITTO，WETNIGHTS-COMPROMISEDECIDEDON-MONTMORENCY，FIRSTIMPRESSIONSOF-

FEARSLESTHEISTOOGOODFORTHISWORLD，FEARSSUBSEQUENTLYDISMISSED

ASGROUNDLESS-MEETINGADJOURNS。

WEpulledoutthemaps，anddiscussedplans。

WearrangedtostartonthefollowingSaturdayfromKingston。HarrisandIwouldgodowninthemorning，andtaketheboatuptoChertsey，andGeorge，whowouldnotbeabletogetawayfromtheCitytilltheafternoon（Georgegoestosleepatabankfromtentofoureachday，exceptSaturdays，whentheywakehimupandputhimoutsideattwo），wouldmeetusthere。

Shouldwe\"campout\"orsleepatinns？

GeorgeandIwereforcampingout。Wesaiditwouldbesowildandfree，sopatriarchallike。

Slowlythegoldenmemoryofthedeadsunfadesfromtheheartsofthecold，sadclouds。Silent，likesorrowingchildren，thebirdshaveceasedtheirsong，andonlythemoorhen\'splaintivecryandtheharshcroakofthecorncrakestirstheawedhusharoundthecouchofwaters，wherethedyingdaybreathesoutherlast。

Fromthedimwoodsoneitherbank，Night\'sghostlyarmy，thegreyshadows，creepoutwithnoiselesstreadtochaseawaythelingeringrear-

guardofthelight，andpass，withnoiseless，unseenfeet，abovethewavingriver-grass，andthroughthesighingrushes；andNight，uponhersombrethrone，foldsherblackwingsabovethedarkeningworld，and，fromherphantompalace，litbythepalestars，reignsinstillness。

Thenwerunourlittleboatintosomequietnook，andthetentispitched，andthefrugalsuppercookedandeaten。Thenthebigpipesarefilledandlighted，andthepleasantchatgoesroundinmusicalundertone；while，inthepausesofourtalk，theriver，playingroundtheboat，prattlesstrangeoldtalesandsecrets，singslowtheoldchild\'ssongthatithassungsomanythousandyears-willsingsomanythousandyearstocome，beforeitsvoicegrowsharshandold-asongthatwe，whohavelearnttoloveitschangingface，whohavesooftennestledonitsyieldingbosom，think，somehow，weunderstand，thoughwecouldnottellyouinmerewordsthestorythatwelistento。

Andwesitthere，byitsmargin，whilethemoon，wholovesittoo，stoopsdowntokissitwithasister\'skiss，andthrowshersilverarmsarounditclingingly；andwewatchitasitflows，eversinging，everwhispering，outtomeetitsking，thesea-tillourvoicesdieawayinsilence，andthepipesgoout-tillwe，common-place，everydayyoungmenenough，feelstrangelyfullofthoughts，halfsad，halfsweet，anddonotcareorwanttospeak-tillwelaugh，and，rising，knocktheashesfromourburnt-outpipes，andsay\"Good-night，\"and，lulledbythelappingwaterandtherustlingtrees，wefallasleepbeneaththegreat，stillstars，anddreamthattheworldisyoungagain-youngandsweetassheusedtobeerethecenturiesoffretandcarehadfurrowedherfairface，ereherchildren\'ssinsandfollieshadmadeoldherlovingheart-sweetasshewasinthosebygonedayswhen，anew-mademother，shenursedus，herchildren，uponherowndeepbreast-erethewilesofpaintedcivilizationhadluredusawayfromherfondarms，andthepoisonedsneersofartificialityhadmadeusashamedofthesimplelifeweledwithher，andthesimple，statelyhomewheremankindwasbornsomanythousandsyearsago。

Harrissaid：

\"Howaboutwhenitrained？\"

YoucanneverrouseHarris。ThereisnopoetryaboutHarris-nowildyearningfortheunattainable。Harrisnever\"weeps，heknowsnotwhy。\"

IfHarris\'seyesfillwithtears，youcanbetitisbecauseHarrishasbeeneatingrawonions，orhasputtoomuchWorcesteroverhischop。

Ifyouweretostandatnightbythesea-shorewithHarris，andsay：

\"Hark！doyounothear？Isitbutthemermaidssingingdeepbelowthewavingwaters；orsadspirits，chantingdirgesforwhitecorpses，heldbyseaweed？\"Harriswouldtakeyoubythearm，andsay：

\"Iknowwhatitis，oldman；you\'vegotachill。Now，youcomealongwithme。Iknowaplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetadropofthefinestScotchwhiskyyouevertasted-putyourightinlessthannotime。\"

Harrisalwaysdoesknowaplaceroundthecornerwhereyoucangetsomethingbrilliantinthedrinkingline。IbelievethatifyoumetHarrisupinParadise（supposingsuchathinglikely），hewouldimmediatelygreetyouwith：

\"Sogladyou\'vecome，oldfellow；I\'vefoundaniceplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetsomereallyfirst-classnectar。\"

Inthepresentinstance，however，asregardedthecampingout，hispracticalviewofthemattercameasaverytimelyhint。Campingoutinrainyweatherisnotpleasant。

Itisevening。Youarewetthrough，andthereisagoodtwoinchesofwaterintheboat，andallthethingsaredamp。Youfindaplaceonthebanksthatisnotquitesopuddlyasotherplacesyouhaveseen，andyoulandandlugoutthetent，andtwoofyouproceedtofixit。

Itissoakedandheavy，anditflopsabout，andtumblesdownonyou，andclingsroundyourheadandmakesyoumad。Therainispouringsteadilydownallthetime。Itisdifficultenoughtofixatentindryweather：

inwet，thetaskbecomesherculean。Insteadofhelpingyou，itseemstoyouthattheothermanissimplyplayingthefool。Justasyougetyoursidebeautifullyfixed，hegivesitahoistfromhisend，andspoilsitall。

\"Here！whatareyouupto？\"youcallout。

\"WhatareYOUupto？\"heretorts；\"leggo，can\'tyou？\"

\"Don\'tpullit；you\'vegotitallwrong，youstupidass！\"youshout。

\"No，Ihaven\'t，\"heyellsback；\"letgoyourside！\"

\"Itellyouyou\'vegotitallwrong！\"youroar，wishingthatyoucouldgetathim；andyougiveyourropesalugthatpullsallhispegsout。

\"Ah，theballyidiot！\"youhearhimmuttertohimself；andthencomesasavagehaul，andawaygoesyourside。Youlaydownthemalletandstarttogoroundandtellhimwhatyouthinkaboutthewholebusiness，and，atthesametime，hestartsroundinthesamedirectiontocomeandexplainhisviewstoyou。Andyoufolloweachotherroundandround，swearingatoneanother，untilthetenttumblesdowninaheap，andleavesyoulookingateachotheracrossitsruins，whenyoubothindignantlyexclaim，inthesamebreath：

\"Thereyouare！whatdidItellyou？\"

Meanwhilethethirdman，whohasbeenbalingouttheboat，andwhohasspilledthewaterdownhissleeve，andhasbeencursingawaytohimselfsteadilyforthelasttenminutes，wantstoknowwhatthethunderingblazesyou\'replayingat，andwhytheblarmedtentisn\'tupyet。

Atlast，somehoworother，itdoesgetup，andyoulandthethings。Itishopelessattemptingtomakeawoodfire，soyoulightthemethylatedspiritstove，andcrowdroundthat。

Rainwateristhechiefarticleofdietatsupper。Thebreadistwo-

thirdsrainwater，thebeefsteak-pieisexceedinglyrichinit，andthejam，andthebutter，andthesalt，andthecoffeehaveallcombinedwithittomakesoup。

Aftersupper，youfindyourtobaccoisdamp，andyoucannotsmoke。

Luckilyyouhaveabottleofthestuffthatcheersandinebriates，iftakeninproperquantity，andthisrestorestoyousufficientinterestinlifetoinduceyoutogotobed。

Thereyoudreamthatanelephanthassuddenlysatdownonyourchest，andthatthevolcanohasexplodedandthrownyoudowntothebottomofthesea-theelephantstillsleepingpeacefullyonyourbosom。Youwakeupandgrasptheideathatsomethingterriblereallyhashappened。Yourfirstimpressionisthattheendoftheworldhascome；andthenyouthinkthatthiscannotbe，andthatitisthievesandmurderers，orelsefire，andthisopinionyouexpressintheusualmethod。Nohelpcomes，however，andallyouknowisthatthousandsofpeoplearekickingyou，andyouarebeingsmothered。

Somebodyelseseemsintrouble，too。Youcanhearhisfaintcriescomingfromunderneathyourbed。Determining，atallevents，tosellyourlifedearly，youstrugglefrantically，hittingoutrightandleftwitharmsandlegs，andyellinglustilythewhile，andatlastsomethinggivesway，andyoufindyourheadinthefreshair。Twofeetoff，youdimlyobserveahalf-dressedruffian，waitingtokillyou，andyouarepreparingforalife-and-deathstrugglewithhim，whenitbeginstodawnuponyouthatit\'sJim。

\"Oh，it\'syou，isit？\"hesays，recognisingyouatthesamemoment。

\"Yes，\"youanswer，rubbingyoureyes；\"what\'shappened？\"

\"Ballytent\'sblowndown，Ithink，\"hesays。

\"Where\'sBill？\"

Thenyoubothraiseupyourvoicesandshoutfor\"Bill！\"andthegroundbeneathyouheavesandrocks，andthemuffledvoicethatyouheardbeforerepliesfromouttheruin：

\"Getoffmyhead，can\'tyou？\"

AndBillstrugglesout，amuddy，trampledwreck，andinanunnecessarilyaggressivemood-hebeingundertheevidentbeliefthatthewholethinghasbeendoneonpurpose。

Inthemorningyouareallthreespeechless，owingtohavingcaughtseverecoldsinthenight；youalsofeelveryquarrelsome，andyouswearateachotherinhoarsewhispersduringthewholeofbreakfasttime。

Wethereforedecidedthatwewouldsleepoutonfinenights；andhotelit，andinnit，andpub。it，likerespectablefolks，whenitwaswet，orwhenwefeltinclinedforachange。

Montmorencyhailedthiscompromisewithmuchapproval。Hedoesnotrevelinromanticsolitude。Givehimsomethingnoisy；andifatriflelow，somuchthejollier。TolookatMontmorencyyouwouldimaginethathewasanangelsentupontheearth，forsomereasonwithheldfrommankind，intheshapeofasmallfox-terrier。ThereisasortofOh-what-a-wicked-

world-this-is-and-how-I-wish-I-could-do-something-to-make-it-better-and-

noblerexpressionaboutMontmorencythathasbeenknowntobringthetearsintotheeyesofpiousoldladiesandgentlemen。

Whenfirsthecametoliveatmyexpense，IneverthoughtIshouldbeabletogethimtostoplong。Iusedtositdownandlookathim，ashesatontherugandlookedupatme，andthink：\"Oh，thatdogwillneverlive。Hewillbesnatcheduptothebrightskiesinachariot，thatiswhatwillhappentohim。\"

But，whenIhadpaidforaboutadozenchickensthathehadkilled；andhaddraggedhim，growlingandkicking，bythescruffofhisneck，outofahundredandfourteenstreetfights；andhadhadadeadcatbroughtroundformyinspectionbyaniratefemale，whocalledmeamurderer；andhadbeensummonedbythemannextdoorbutoneforhavingaferociousdogatlarge，thathadkepthimpinnedupinhisowntool-shed，afraidtoventurehisnoseoutsidethedoorforovertwohoursonacoldnight；andhadlearnedthatthegardener，unknowntomyself，hadwonthirtyshillingsbybackinghimtokillratsagainsttime，thenIbegantothinkthatmaybethey\'dlethimremainonearthforabitlonger，afterall。

Tohangaboutastable，andcollectagangofthemostdisreputabledogstobefoundinthetown，andleadthemouttomarchroundtheslumstofightotherdisreputabledogs，isMontmorency\'sideaof\"life；\"andso，asIbeforeobserved，hegavetothesuggestionofinns，andpubs。，andhotelshismostemphaticapprobation。

Havingthussettledthesleepingarrangementstothesatisfactionofallfourofus，theonlythinglefttodiscusswaswhatweshouldtakewithus；andthiswehadbeguntoargue，whenHarrissaidhe\'dhadenoughoratoryforonenight，andproposedthatweshouldgooutandhaveasmile，sayingthathehadfoundaplace，roundbythesquare，whereyoucouldreallygetadropofIrishworthdrinking。

Georgesaidhefeltthirsty（IneverknewGeorgewhenhedidn\'t）；and，asIhadapresentimentthatalittlewhisky，warm，withasliceoflemon，woulddomycomplaintgood，thedebatewas，bycommonassent，adjournedtothefollowingnight；andtheassemblyputonitshatsandwentout。

CHAPTERIII。

ARRANGEMENTSSETTLED-HARRIS\'SMETHODOFDOINGWORK-HOWTHEELDERLY，FAMILY-MANPUTSUPAPICTURE-GEORGEMAKESASENSIBLE，REMARK-

DELIGHTSOFEARLYMORNINGBATHING-PROVISIONSFORGETTINGUPSET。

SO，onthefollowingevening，weagainassembled，todiscussandarrangeourplans。Harrissaid：

\"Now，thefirstthingtosettleiswhattotakewithus。Now，yougetabitofpaperandwritedown，J。，andyougetthegrocerycatalogue，George，andsomebodygivemeabitofpencil，andthenI\'llmakeoutalist。\"

That\'sHarrisallover-soreadytotaketheburdenofeverythinghimself，andputitonthebacksofotherpeople。

HealwaysremindsmeofmypoorUnclePodger。Youneversawsuchacommotionupanddownahouse，inallyourlife，aswhenmyUnclePodgerundertooktodoajob。Apicturewouldhavecomehomefromtheframe-

maker\'s，andbestandinginthedining-room，waitingtobeputup；andAuntPodgerwouldaskwhatwastobedonewithit，andUnclePodgerwouldsay：

\"Oh，youleavethattoME。Don\'tyou，anyofyou，worryyourselvesaboutthat。I\'LLdoallthat。\"

Andthenhewouldtakeoffhiscoat，andbegin。Hewouldsendthegirloutforsixpen\'orthofnails，andthenoneoftheboysafterhertotellherwhatsizetoget；and，fromthat，hewouldgraduallyworkdown，andstartthewholehouse。

\"Nowyougoandgetmemyhammer，Will，\"hewouldshout；\"andyoubringmetherule，Tom；andIshallwantthestep-ladder，andIhadbetterhaveakitchen-chair，too；and，Jim！yourunroundtoMr。Goggles，andtellhim，`Pa\'skindregards，andhopeshisleg\'sbetter；andwillhelendhimhisspirit-level？\'Anddon\'tyougo，Maria，becauseIshallwantsomebodytoholdmethelight；andwhenthegirlcomesback，shemustgooutagainforabitofpicture-cord；andTom！-where\'sTom？-Tom，youcomehere；Ishallwantyoutohandmeupthepicture。\"

Andthenhewouldliftupthepicture，anddropit，anditwouldcomeoutoftheframe，andhewouldtrytosavetheglass，andcuthimself；andthenhewouldspringroundtheroom，lookingforhishandkerchief。Hecouldnotfindhishandkerchief，becauseitwasinthepocketofthecoathehadtakenoff，andhedidnotknowwherehehadputthecoat，andallthehousehadtoleaveofflookingforhistools，andstartlookingforhiscoat；whilehewoulddanceroundandhinderthem。

\"Doesn\'tanybodyinthewholehouseknowwheremycoatis？Inevercameacrosssuchasetinallmylife-uponmywordIdidn\'t。Sixofyou！-

andyoucan\'tfindacoatthatIputdownnotfiveminutesago！Well，ofallthe-\"

Thenhe\'dgetup，andfindthathehadbeensittingonit，andwouldcallout：

\"Oh，youcangiveitup！I\'vefounditmyselfnow。Mightjustaswellaskthecattofindanythingasexpectyoupeopletofindit。\"

And，whenhalfanhourhadbeenspentintyinguphisfinger，andanewglasshadbeengot，andthetools，andtheladder，andthechair，andthecandlehadbeenbrought，hewouldhaveanothergo，thewholefamily，includingthegirlandthecharwoman，standingroundinasemi-circle，readytohelp。Twopeoplewouldhavetoholdthechair，andathirdwouldhelphimuponit，andholdhimthere，andafourthwouldhandhimanail，andafifthwouldpasshimupthehammer，andhewouldtakeholdofthenail，anddropit。

\"There！\"hewouldsay，inaninjuredtone，\"nowthenail\'sgone。\"

Andwewouldallhavetogodownonourkneesandgrovelforit，whilehewouldstandonthechair，andgrunt，andwanttoknowifhewastobekepttherealltheevening。

Thenailwouldbefoundatlast，butbythattimehewouldhavelostthehammer。

\"Where\'sthehammer？WhatdidIdowiththehammer？Greatheavens！

Sevenofyou，gapingroundthere，andyoudon\'tknowwhatIdidwiththehammer！\"

Wewouldfindthehammerforhim，andthenhewouldhavelostsightofthemarkhehadmadeonthewall，wherethenailwastogoin，andeachofushadtogetuponthechair，besidehim，andseeifwecouldfindit；andwewouldeachdiscoveritinadifferentplace，andhewouldcallusallfools，oneafteranother，andtellustogetdown。Andhewouldtaketherule，andre-measure，andfindthathewantedhalfthirty-oneandthree-eighthsinchesfromthecorner，andwouldtrytodoitinhishead，andgomad。

Andwewouldalltrytodoitinourheads，andallarriveatdifferentresults，andsneeratoneanother。Andinthegeneralrow，theoriginalnumberwouldbeforgotten，andUnclePodgerwouldhavetomeasureitagain。

Hewoulduseabitofstringthistime，andatthecriticalmoment，whentheoldfoolwasleaningoverthechairatanangleofforty-five，andtryingtoreachapointthreeinchesbeyondwhatwaspossibleforhimtoreach，thestringwouldslip，anddownhewouldslideontothepiano，areallyfinemusicaleffectbeingproducedbythesuddennesswithwhichhisheadandbodystruckallthenotesatthesametime。

AndAuntMariawouldsaythatshewouldnotallowthechildrentostandroundandhearsuchlanguage。

Atlast，UnclePodgerwouldgetthespotfixedagain，andputthepointofthenailonitwithhislefthand，andtakethehammerinhisrighthand。And，withthefirstblow，hewouldsmashhisthumb，anddropthehammer，withayell，onsomebody\'stoes。

AuntMariawouldmildlyobservethat，nexttimeUnclePodgerwasgoingtohammeranailintothewall，shehopedhe\'dletherknowintime，sothatshecouldmakearrangementstogoandspendaweekwithhermotherwhileitwasbeingdone。

\"Oh！youwomen，youmakesuchafussovereverything，\"UnclePodgerwouldreply，pickinghimselfup。\"Why，ILIKEdoingalittlejobofthissort。\"

Andthenhewouldhaveanothertry，and，atthesecondblow，thenailwouldgocleanthroughtheplaster，andhalfthehammerafterit，andUnclePodgerbeprecipitatedagainstthewallwithforcenearlysufficienttoflattenhisnose。

Thenwehadtofindtheruleandthestringagain，andanewholewasmade；and，aboutmidnight，thepicturewouldbeup-verycrookedandinsecure，thewallforyardsroundlookingasifithadbeensmootheddownwitharake，andeverybodydeadbeatandwretched-exceptUnclePodger。

\"Thereyouare，\"hewouldsay，steppingheavilyoffthechairontothecharwoman\'scorns，andsurveyingthemesshehadmadewithevidentpride。

\"Why，somepeoplewouldhavehadamanintodoalittlethinglikethat！\"

Harriswillbejustthatsortofmanwhenhegrowsup，Iknow，andItoldhimso。IsaidIcouldnotpermithimtotakesomuchlabouruponhimself。Isaid：

\"No；YOUgetthepaper，andthepencil，andthecatalogue，andGeorgewritedown，andI\'lldothework。\"

Thefirstlistwemadeouthadtobediscarded。ItwasclearthattheupperreachesoftheThameswouldnotallowofthenavigationofaboatsufficientlylargetotakethethingswehadsetdownasindispensable；

sowetorethelistup，andlookedatoneanother！

Georgesaid：

\"Youknowweareonawrongtrackaltogether。Wemustnotthinkofthethingswecoulddowith，butonlyofthethingsthatwecan\'tdowithout。\"

Georgecomesoutreallyquitesensibleattimes。You\'dbesurprised。I

callthatdownrightwisdom，notmerelyasregardsthepresentcase，butwithreferencetoourtripuptheriveroflife，generally。Howmanypeople，onthatvoyage，loaduptheboattillitiseverindangerofswampingwithastoreoffoolishthingswhichtheythinkessentialtothepleasureandcomfortofthetrip，butwhicharereallyonlyuselesslumber。

Howtheypilethepoorlittlecraftmast-highwithfineclothesandbighouses；withuselessservants，andahostofswellfriendsthatdonotcaretwopenceforthem，andthattheydonotcarethreeha\'pencefor；

withexpensiveentertainmentsthatnobodyenjoys，withformalitiesandfashions，withpretenceandostentation，andwith-oh，heaviest，maddestlumberofall！-thedreadofwhatwillmyneighbourthink，withluxuriesthatonlycloy，withpleasuresthatbore，withemptyshowthat，likethecriminal\'sironcrownofyore，makestobleedandswoontheachingheadthatwearsit！

Itislumber，man-alllumber！Throwitoverboard。Itmakestheboatsoheavytopull，younearlyfaintattheoars。Itmakesitsocumbersomeanddangeroustomanage，youneverknowamoment\'sfreedomfromanxietyandcare，nevergainamoment\'srestfordreamylaziness-